What to Do and Learn about Energy Drainers

PUBLISHED in ‘Cafe Time’ July 2011

Ever felt emotionally drained at the end of the day? Ever felt emotionally drained just after the day has begun?! Ever considered that maybe, just maybe, it’s caused by the people you interact with on a daily basis? And if it was, how would you know? What would you do?

Well, you could simply take a quick check on your mood before meeting certain individuals and then take a quick check afterwards! If you genuinely (which means being brutally honest with yourself) feel the same or better afterwards then everything is good. If you genuinely feel worse or drained, then consider that you let them have this effect on your mood? Maybe you need to do something about that?

As we are responsible for our own lives and moods, we do not expect others to solve our problems, similarly we do not expect to solve others’ problems.  In any event, you cannot fix anybody else’s problems for them – this they must do themselves and this they must really really want for themselves. And if they really really want it for themselves they should be able to explain the benefits of solving those problems and how they will take the first steps towards solving them. People who can do this are not a drain on your energy. In fact they are quite the opposite!

All you can ever be to someone going through difficulty is a good listener (see article on Active Listening). And this applies to those serious about tackling their difficulties – not others. You are responsible for your own feelings and you are responsible for what you do with them – guard them carefully, they are precious!

So how do you recognise people who might be draining your energy? When interacting with others simply ask yourself if you;

•    Feel frustrated by their constant criticism?
•    See a lot of, anger in them and that they want you to share their pain?
•    Notice that they don’t really want solutions or constructive feedback.
•    Notice that they love drama – where none should really exist!
•    Notice that they need your assistance on every single detail and they feel the need to explain every single step to you.
•    Receive a cynical or sarcastic response to most situations you present.
•    Become irritated by their constant joke telling and their physical closeness.
•    Observe that they constantly blame others.
•    Feel that they are intruding on your life and are ignoring boundaries and privacy.
•    Hear their constant criticisms & negativity – about everything!

So how do you deal with these situations?

1.    Correctly identify those who drain your energy and those who do not.
2.    Steer the conversation towards something constructive!
3.    When they highlight their problems, politely ask – ‘What have you done about it?’
4.    Set clear parameters when you interact with energy drainers.
5.    Stay calm and detached from them – don’t let their negative energy consume you.
6.    Build an imaginary energy field around you to block their negativity.
7.    Be honest about your own needs (“I need this time to work, read, relax…”)
8.    Refrain from attempting to fix their problems.
9.    Spend time with people who make you feel good – yet tell you the truth also!
10.    If nothing improves – you may need to temporarily avoid them!

Should you wish to go deeper, as the above are merely surface level solutions, you may want to consider these two possibilities;

1.    What does this experience teach us?

As the saying goes ‘…wherever you go, there you are…’ And as Life Coach and Hay House author Michelle Phillips would say ‘…you attract who you are not what you want…’. What does this mean? Maybe it means that what you see in others (both good and bad) is merely a reflection of yourself? So if you see negativity in others then you need to ask yourself ‘Where am I being negative in my life?’  Take a look at where you might be doing likewise in your life and start making changes. This is by no means a short and easy course but it is simple and life rewarding! So in a roundabout way there is something positive to be taken from associating with those who drain your energy – as long as it is temporary!

2.    Use of Meditation

Mangala, who is a regular contributor to Engage Your Mind , recommends meditation. As a student of Sri Chinmoy she says that practicing mediation alone makes you feel both relaxed and energised. Or as Sri Chinmoy would say ‘…it gives you the strength of a lion…’ Meditation therefore allows you to calm your mind and preserve the energy that you lose through over thinking. It gives you the further protection of peace and awareness which increases your capacity for loving and acceptance of people as part of God’s creation. In short, meditation can calm your mind, allow you to see the good in people and therefore preserve your much needed energy.

Peter Kearney hosts a weekly radio show, called Engage Your Mind on 103.2 Dublin City FM (Thur @ 8pm). He is a Human Resource Coach and Workplace Mediator, working with individuals and small businesses – www.engageyourmind.ie