Be a Better Listener

PUBLISHED ‘Cafe Time’ 9 June 2011 – http://www.cafetime.ie/page34.php

You have often heard the quote:

 “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”

And you won’t mind my repeating it as it is said that:

 “Everything has been said before, but since nobody listens we have to keep going back and beginning all over again.”

The point being, we actually remember very little of what we hear! How can this be so? Are we really not listening? Well, I believe we are listening but we aren’t listening very well! So how do we become better listeners? Can the Chinese for ‘listen’ guide us in any way? Well, I will give you a few quick tips at the end, but first let’s take a look at some examples!

It is said that when the Quaker movement have difficulty in making a group decision that they stop talking and start listening! They enter total silence, listen to the heart beat of the room and make a decision. How different our lives would be!

Indeed a friend once advised that before talking we should W.A.I.T. and ask Why Am I Talking! It’s a clever technique that encourages you to really listen before talking. Of course silence by itself is not enough. As Stephen Covey said in his 5^th Habit – Understanding is also required. How often have you experienced a conversation like this?

PARTNER 1: “come on honey tell me how you feel, what’s bothering you this evening?”

PARTNER 2: “Oh I don’t know, it’s hard to say”

PARTNER 1: “Oh come on honey, you can tell me anything” (Big encouraging smile)

PARTNER 2: “I’m not so sure that I can tell you this”

PARTNER 1: “Of course you can. I mean you know I love you don’t you” (sympathetic look)

PARTNER 2: “Yeah sure I know you love me”

PARTNER 1: “And you know that you can tell me anything, don’t you?” (even more sympathy)

PARTNER 1: “Yes I know”

PARTNER 2: “Then come on honey, tell me. What’s bothering you?” (Smiles & hugs all over)

PARTNER 1: “Well ok…I’m thinking of leaving my job” (Pause for silence!)

PARTNER 2: “You’re WWHATT….?!”…”After all we’ve been through, after all the bills we have to pay, after all the support I gave you to get that job in the first place, you just want to quit! Well, what’s the plan? Live on the street?! For God’s sake get real will you!”

Sound familiar?! How often do we give each other the space to really understand what lies beneath what we are saying? And when you give that space its remarkable what can happen.

A lady came knocking on Eckhart Tolle’s door one night with a letter in her hand in a very upset state. She repeated again and again ‘…they are going to kick me out, we have to fight them…’ . She explained how her management company were threatening her with eviction! Eckhart remained perfectly silent and said absolutely nothing for the 30 minutes or more she spent talking about what the management company were going to do to her. The lady eventually calmed down, apologised for having disturbed her neighbour so late at night and left. The next day he met her on the street where she put her hand on his and said ‘…thank you so much for last night, it really helped…’ Of course he had done nothing except listen and give her space to say what she had to say without adding to an already very upsetting story.

Sounds simple doesn’t it?! So give it a go, just once this week, and see the difference it makes!